Apology not Accepted!

To the ones who apologize too much.

To the ones who are tired of apologizing for their sensitivity. The ones who have to say sorry for overreacting or getting emotional. The ones who push people away because they care too much about them. The ones who get hurt when someone looks the other way, when someone ignores their message, when someone doesn’t smile back.
 

I’m sorry. I’m sorry you live in a world that doesn’t understand you. I’m sorry that you live in a world that doesn’t realize how much it needs you, because you give people hope and you remind people that it’s okay to real, soft and vulnerable. You remind people that it’s okay to be a non-perfect human being. You remind people that needing someone is not weakness, but strength.

I am sorry for ones who are tired of apologizing for their vulnerability. The ones who show too much too soon. The ones who can’t help but tell people how much they love them and what they’re willing to do for them. The ones who believe that people can change, that people can heal, that people just need the right kind of love to be the best versions of themselves.

I am sorry that you feel so much and how I know? Because I am one of you. And after being sorry for all my life, I have understood one thing that Don’t ever apologize for being you. Ever. Don’t apologize for someone not liking you as you did not please their eyes. Do not say sorry for being different because that is why you were sent on this planet, to be different, to look different, to feel differently.

Don’t let the world change you. Because the ones who point are also not sure what they want, what they are doing with their lives. Don’t let heartbreak make you guarded. Heart is meant to love and to be broken for you to love yet again, with more courage and more warmth. So, Keep loving. Keep giving. Keep saying what you want to say because life is too short to keep important words unsaid.

I still don’t have the answer. I still don’t know why people like you are suffering. I still don’t understand how your kindness and your authenticity is working against you but I know that a lot of people are watching you. I know that a lot of people secretly want to be you. I know that the people who criticize you also admire you. I know that you’re an inspiration to those around you. And maybe the world is too hard on you because you’re someone people look up to and they want to know that you’ll keep on fighting. They want to know you’ll keep on trying, you’ll keep on building your own life with as many hardships and carving your own path because that’s what makes you special. That’s what makes you extraordinary— your ability to live when everything around you is killing you. Your ability to smile when the world is crashing around you and you have no clue how to react. You are built to work hard and not take easy credits. 

So what if your destination isn’t as fancy as you once hoped for. For someone told me that the destination becomes way more exciting when you enjoy the journey with the same enthusiasm. 

So, gear up for this Journey called life as no matter what we believe in, we just get one chance and this is it. Make something beautiful out of it, something extraordinary, something like You.

My Lifelines.

When you’ve been best friends with someone forever, there comes a time when you move to different states, go to different schools, and sometimes lose touch. But when you return, you’re still as weird and dysfunctional as ever before.
When you’ve been friends with someone forever, you don’t even need to get to the punchline anymore, they’re already laughing. You really do start acting like an old married couple. You’re not afraid to bicker, and honestly, you’re probably too attached to each other to stay mad for long.
When you’ve been friends with someone forever, you get comfortable with silence, arguably the most awesome aspect of any relationship. You can go on trips together or even just hang out without feeling like you need to fill every second with words.
We all know that the Whatsapp posts get uglier as the friendship deepens, but people who have been friends for years take it to a new, grossly indescribable level.
When you’ve been friends with someone forever, you’ve stopped keeping tabs on who owes who what in terms of drinks bought and money spent. At the end of the day your only thought is “eh, it’ll probably even itself out eventually.’’
 

When you’ve been friends with someone forever, you’re the one that their significant other really has to win over.
 

Truthfully, when you’ve been friends with someone forever, they have literally been your therapist for too many years to count. They are always there for you. Always.
And now, you’re living that part of life when you’re starting to do the things you always sat in your room and talked about doing, like getting jobs and getting married, and though it’s crazy bittersweet, it’s crazier that they’re still here to witness it just as you spoke about it before. They are still here to talk you into or out of a relationship. You wait for them to have kids and you want to love them more than anything on this earth. 

Such friendships have made me what I am today and I hope to cherish them for years to come.

love you guys! 

Helo Beautiful!!

She was young and talented. Being born and brought up in a well-educated family and herself went to the best of schools and now college. she was going to become a doctor and make her family proud. Being around brothers and guy friends, most of her life, she had got that ‘tom-boy’ touch in her tone, walk and at times, thought. But in the end, she was a girl. A girl who loves clothes, shoes, loves accessories and loves shopping. Now she may sound like a very stereotypical character to you but that’s the truth. I am not going to talk about anything like shopping and clothes here of course. What I want to talk about is the shallow concept of beauty that our society preaches.

She was just 19, teenage. The age when girls are in the most beautiful phase of their life. They groom themselves to grow into stunning a woman, later in life. But she was far off from that world. She was busy playing basketball or cricket in bright daylights, careless about the tan her skin would develop. She was careless and free and happy. No shackles of this shallow society had worn her down. She was careless and beautiful, in her own chubby way.

Yes, she was fat. Now she did not grow up being fat but the burden of studies to get into a Med school and lack of physical activity because of time shortage, led her to put on weight. So when she went to college, she was fat. Her friends pointed out that her collar bone wasn’t visible. That Is how fat she was. She would hide her curves under those baggy jeans and t-shirts ad she had become conscious of the way she looked. Conscious how people looked or did not look at her. She was with living with girls who were not ‘fat’ and were pretty. Now she was far from hiding her real self with makeup and pretend to look like someone she was not. Someone she could not relate herself with. So she struggled her way through in that world of pretty girls. Fair skin, slim and tall; that is what defined ‘pretty’ back then. Even today it does. nothing has changed. So she was far from being ‘pretty’.

He was her senior in college. And not that he was a good looking guy to die for or anything of that sort, but she liked him. She was crushing big time. Her friends would tell her that he wasn’t worth someone like me as he wasn’t a nice guy or whatever. But she liked him. Would wait till late nights in the library, for him to finish reading, sitting on the table right across him, but never got noticed. She would wait for him to finish reading so that at least she would get a chance to walk out with him. All this was happening but she could not gather the courage to go up to him and say HI! The senior girls in her hostel got to know about her crushing and so they would taunt her in and out, day and night. She was too naïve to know what was the big deal. So one day, she decides to go and talk to Him and tell him that she liked him. But least did she know that her life was going to change, forever and for good. His arrogant friend told her to stay away from Him and just try to look at her reflection in the mirror. ‘’you are fat and ugly. Why would any guy even look at you?’’. There. There it was. The cruelest reflection she had ever seen. She was devastated. Not that just her heart was broken, but crushed. 

This was somewhere in 2006. Over 11 years and minus 30 kilos, made her able enough to be called ‘pretty’. And God, now she knows it in her bones that she is pretty. It was not that she wasn’t pretty back then, she was. But the constant pokes and reminder by the society that she was not ‘good looking’, made her live with wrong beliefs. though it worked in her favor and she took that as her driving force, to be who she is today. ‘Slim, fair and a Head turner’. She believes she is and god forbid, do not try to even make her believe the other way because she is way stronger too. psychologically and physically.

Did you see how societal prejudices and believes changed her? She wasn’t worth liking even as she was ‘FAT’ and ‘UGLY’. Yes. Those were the words said right to her face. And those were the words that have now made her shallow. She believes in looks herself. No matter how nice the opposite sex is, she believes and advocates that how is one supposed to go forth and try liking the others nature when the exterior/looks are something you are not happy with? She has become like this. And why not? If the so called ‘superior’ male has the choice, then why not her? And who made her such? The society. The society that we are living in. You got to a dating app and till the time you do no out up a picture with filters on to make you look ‘fair and pretty’, you would not get any one’s attention. Matrimonial sites. Till the time the adjectives ‘fair, slim, tall and beautiful’ are not inserted in that profile of yours, no suitable match would come your way and even if they do, the parents end up paying huge dowries in replacement of their daughters ‘not being pretty’. Because no matter how not so good looking the Groom/Boyfriend is, the Bride/Girlfriend should be all of that above. And if the girl is tall or wide shoulders, then again it’s a challenge to find a ‘match’. So how do we really fit in this definition of ‘pretty/beautiful’ set by the world?

The one thing that comes to my mind now are these beautiful set of lines from ‘Broken Flowers’ by R.M. Drake:

‘’And now they have almost all the women believing that they are not enough, because they want the women to believe that their minds and hearts are not beautiful. That only their bodies can be appreciated and loved, but I tell my fellow string women this; you are more than just a pretty face, your mind is gold and your heart is where the diamonds lie. It is just, most people do not want to put enough effort to find what truly makes you beautiful. And to be honest, this is another thing they don’t tell you: you are goddam work of art and you do not need some asshole art dealer to tell you your worth because I know your value, you are a priceless baby, and I just want you to see that for yourself. That is all.’’

Love- some fall,some rise!

For her, love was not about ‘falling’. It couldn’t be for then she would ‘fallen’ in love a lot! And falling wasn’t her trait anymore; rising was. She loved and rose every time

Every time she smiled and opened up to someone, she rose in love

She was a bubbly girl with a blunt heart and a mouth with no filter. She praised less and loved more. Loved in her own silly way. It was easy for men to ‘fall’ for her as she had the enticing personality of originality. She could talk about cars and makeup in the same conversation. She could argue with you about her political stand and say she wants to dance, in one breath. She had content in her that made her attractive. For herself, she was just another girl.

They met. It was destined. Every move of ours is destined. But least did they know that those late night conversations over life’s randomness would lead to him stopping over in her city and sweeping her off of her feet. She had her heart broken in the past a lot as she loved a lot. But never tried rising in it. She gave all she had to everyone she loved. And they would leave with one piece of her. So today, she wanted to rise above all this and just be her.

Least did she knew that the poised man was full of laughter and innocence of a child with whom she would connect in an instant. The way he looked at her and held her, made her feel the most beautiful girl alive and he made sure she felt that way too. Every time she would talk, he looked at her with eyes on her but mind trying to know her. He was charmed by the purity of her laugh and sensuality in her eyes when she smiled. She was there with him, being her.

The moments fleeted away while they talked, kissed and laughed. The intoxication of the spirit was nothing compared to the high she got from his touch, his breath on her skin, his gaze deep in her eyes. She was rising. She comprehended her thoughts and feelings when she was by herself, ‘’No! this could not be love!’’ She was loving the way she was with him and confusing it with Love. He wasn’t ‘the man of her dreams’ or anything like she had pictured. But he made her laugh till her insides hurt and eyes got teary. He made her laugh and love, love herself. He made her fall in love with her and that is when she ‘rose’ in love. He made her believe her worth and her beauty and that she should stop waiting and live. He too left, with a piece again but she wasn't sad as she had herself. The New she.

That was her moment. Her moment of Rising in Love.

Heart on the Sleeve.

‘’ to wear your heart on your sleeve isn’t a very good plan; you should wear it inside, where It functions best’’ Margaret Thatcher

She was the one who always wore her heart on her sleeve.
No saying or quote made her believe that she was wrong. She was full of love and she showered it by wearing her heart on her sleeve. When questioned, she would respond

She wore her heart on her sleeve and the world could not care less. She disliked being sensitive. She thought it made her weak. But take away that single trait and you take away the very essence of her. You take away her conscience, her ability to emphasize, the intuition, the creativity, deep appreciation of the little things, her vivid inner life. Her keen awareness of others pain and her passion for it. She was sensitive and found nothing wrong In that. Love was all she had.
She was sensitive and the most genuine and honest person you will ever meet. There is nothing she won’t tell you about herself if they trust your kindness. However, the moment you betray her, reject her or devalue her, she will end the friendship.

She lives with guilt and constant pain over unresolved situations and misunderstandings. All she craved for was the most love anyone can give her because her soul had been constantly bruised by others.

She wouldn’t lie to you. Her heart was whole now, but it hadn’t always been. She had worn it on her sleeve, and it had been stepped on a few times. She had handed it- with hope and trust and starry eyes- to a few someone along the way to protect. There had been times where she’d said those three words out loud- and silence had echoed back. And so each and every time, that girl left a piece or two of that whole heart she started with behind.

However, despite the tragedy she had gone through in her life, she remained the most compassionate person worth knowing and the one that often became activists for the broken-hearted, forgotten and misunderstood. She wore her heart on her sleeve and such people are angels with broken wings that only fly when loved.
And when questioned why she was hurting herself with all this, the reply you would get,‘’I wear my heart on my sleeve, yet I am not naïve. I know what it feels like to be completely broken and I am all too familiar with what it means to be hurt. I choose to become better not bitter with each experience. Here’s to all the Loves in my Life that have taught me the toughest lessons. To the Earth angels who walk with me and to those that challenge daily. I thank you, again and again.’’

All she craved was that one look, one touch that made her believe that she was needed. Needed by someone who was hurting by themselves. She would let her guard down, break all the shackles her heart was tied in, crack down boulders she had built the last time, and then love you with all her heart, all that love. She had a lot to give because she wore her heart on her sleeve.

All those heartbreaks did not dishearten her. She is still waiting. Waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel. Waiting for that one look, one touch, one heart that would embrace all the love she had to give. she still waits for him would sing her favorite romantic song, to her. Keeping her in mind. For her. 

Yes, she was a hopeless romantic.
She wore her heart on her sleeve and nothing could stop her. She was born to Love and be Loved.

Love and Friendships, that blossomed pver Cadavers!

                                        FIRST YEAR MBBS: 2006

 

Ugh! The title sounds morbid, right?
 
Well, that’s how a first-year Medical student thinks. They make friends while dissecting those cadaveric bodies. They eye the one's they like more than just a friend by being in that room that smelled of dead and formalin. Trust me when I say more than half of my batch fell in love over the dead bodies. Like LITERALLY! When I could barely get myself to stand in that trauma room, people winked and smiled and stared and fell in love! That is how our first year started.


Anatomy was and still is a very important subject for someone who pursues medicine. Even if you don’t end up being a Surgeon/ an Orthopedician or even a medic at the end of it, yo still need to know what bones to break. Right? Aaah.. bad joke! Well, my sense of humor hits the snooze button at times.


So yes, Anatomy was one of the challenging subjects other than Physiology and Biochemistry (which I still hate). The whole dissection part and knowing the human body from scratch declared Anatomy the winner of the scariest subject!


The dissection hall was on the 3 rd floor of my college. It was a good college and the infrastructure and all but we missed having a campus. When we started, the only thing that counted as a part of the ‘campus’ was the cold coffee shop right opposite the main entrance of the college and Anna’s shop (read tapri) which sold the best omelet for breakfast. But the first years who, hardly had time to pick their options from the ‘’wide’’ range of options, usually ate in the mess. Not to forget, it was mandatory too. We hated how the food was only palatable for days when parents would visit or some hot shot university person was on the campus. But we also managed to survive on and like mess food when it would rain incessantly during the months of July and August and we could not step out of our hostel. Also the french toast on Thursday’s and nonveg once a week made us happy. Only a foodie can manage to talk about food In the middle of a dissection hall description. Ha!


Moving back to the 3rd-floor official slaughter room. So the dissection hall was like a big hall with wall-size windows, opening to the view of our hostel. We were so excited in those white aprons that we were supposed to wear during our time in the college. We were Future Doctors. We clicked pictures and lot of us had them as our profile pictures on Orkut for months! Yeah..Orkut was the Facebook back in 2006. Some of us also sent it to our parents to let them have another proud moment, especially the one’s with no existing doctors in their families till now. We wore the white aprons, with that holy mark on our foreheads (most of my batchmates had them) and paraded down the hall, with pomp and show. Till we could smell something rotten and dead! It was ghastly. The odor and the sight. Not to forget, a lot of fainted too!


Our initial 3 days of Dissection hours, which by the way were just before lunch and I had lost my appetite for almost a week, were designated for us to just sit around and get accustomed to the ‘feel’ of the hall, of the dead bodies on the tables, the rotten egg smell. It was Formalin, the chemical used to preserve human tissue after its no more viable. So we had to get used to all of that. I remember how Ankita could not swallow the gum she had chewing before this hour of accustomization. We sat on those cold revolving uncomfortable stools which were laid around the table which had a body on. For a lot of us, for me who had no idea what this was going to be like and had no family dinner discussions about the medical study, was pale. I was pale. I did not faint, though the smell was nauseous. But I was pale and numb.


The batch of 150+ was further divided into small batches for all practical purposes and I hated that I was not in one batch with my friends. Though thankfully, our dissection tables were adjacent. Ankita could see me sitting there and staring at the body with a dead look in my eyes. She came from a family of doctors so she knew what this whole thing was about. her elder sister was one herself and so she had come all prepared. So she came from behind and with no intentional reason to freak me out, actually freaked me out when she whispered ‘Nimbu, are you ok’ on my ear! I yelled!  And my voice echoed. Everyone was looking at me and I was paler than before Ankita laughed out loud! Oh, she laughed real loud, she still does that. Freak me out at weird moments. And it's cute, unlike that moment when it wasn’t and I was stunned. Then she came over and apologized while she still giggled at my expressions and told me it’s a part of learning and we’ll be kicking ass soon! Aah, that was a relief. That we’ll be fine.


We skipped lunch, obviously. College got over at 5 and then the evening drowned in buying things for the room and finishing some first-day chores. We finally called our day at midnight and slept. Everyone slept but me. The smell of formalin was stuck in my lungs FOR CRYING OUT LOUD and I could not get it out of my system despite showering thrice in the day!  And also, the moment I would close my eyes, the face of the body would appear. And I knew, my life was screwed! See dead people in the day and then dream about them too. yes, it was over! I slept after various failed attempts only to wake up to another day of accustomization and horror!


After 3 days, I kind of made peace with it. Such was going to be my life for at least this one year. And it started getting better. Though we smelled of formalin all the time! But now, it was part of us. The rotten smell and the bodies, they were part of us. They taught us to be what we are today. 

Doctors.